Saturday 12^th December 2009

Only one week to go to Lord Arrowby’s party – but has he found staff?  My own tiny pre-Christmas dinner is on Tuesday.

And I haven’t menu-ed.

In the meantime, while buffing and honing my home to Christmas perfection, I came across a carrier bag full of Anthony Mottram’s unwanted small change. See graph below. You remember him. My oldest friend, known since 1970, head of Mottram Corp, a ‘consultancy’ business in the Central of Europe, lives in a museum-sized apartment in Prague with Vladimir Alexov, from the Ukraine, who, incidentally celebrates his 24^th birthday today.

Happy Birthday, Vladimir Alexov.

But what is Mottram’s unwanted change doing in my house?

It’s very strange because Prince Dmitri Hersov (who boards, as it happens, for the Central of Europe tomorrow to carry out hush-hush forensic money work) pointed out an article in the newspaper about how Royalty never carry cash or even credit cards and have to get their policemen to buy air tickets for them.

So they miss all the sweep and highness of Chip and Pin, especially when you’re spending £60,000, as the Multis did this month on their Grayson Perry vase. I forgot to tell you about the Grayson Perry vase. It arrived on Monday. The Photographer Multi dragged it over himself by taxi from Trenton’s gallery. We can’t show a graph of it, of course, for security reasons.

Mottram and I raved all over Brighton the other day after Marcus Cargill’s party, drawing attention to ourselves. It was quite a scene. ‘We’re near married,’ I shrieked. ‘No, we’re not. Grow up,’ Mottram boomed. Anyway, we’re not near married now. Vladimir Alexov is Anthony Mottram’s companion. They understand each other perfectly. Let’s wish them a very happy future together.

For Mottram and I, the future will be very different.  So it is that Poor Little Rich Gay life crumbles away, reforming as something else constantly.

But I wander. The main thing: Anthony Mottram will not be involved with small change. All over his homes and here where he stays with me in London are bowls and drawers that would break if you lifted them under the weight of Mottram’s disgorged and discarded coinage.

A month or two ago, we gathered together all the heaps and hordes he has made here over the past few months and put them in this carrier bag.

And forgot about it. But what next?  Pricey to post, it’s true, but why not despatch to the Smallmeal/Limpneys as part repayment for all the Tuscan villas, Glyndebourne tickets and dinners at the Ivy they so kindly bestowed before terminating our friendship?

Do you also have excess small change you could use in a similar manner this Christmas?

Anthony Mottram's Unwanted Change