Wednesday 21st May 2014

I’ve been away on another mission for Dainty Lady TV, this time to Bologna. Bolog Sauce, you know. I sampled every variety, even in different nearby towns where it’s the same but different.

But back to Germany. I was river cruising down the Elbe alone with 75 elderly Americans. Val was sauced and unable to gain. At breakfast one morning I was explaining to a woman from New Jersey about the Tiaras Exhibition at the V and A years ago and how it was my favourite exhib of all time and how Debo had written an article in the newspaper about it which began ‘What are tiaras for?’ and how the Portland Tiara by Cartier was one of the best, with drop diamonds the size of a cough lozenge. ‘Very ostentatious,’ she said.

I digress. Wittenberg was very plain. It’s where Luther came from. Have you heard of him? He pinned some notices to the church door and caused awful ructions. This was in 1517, so hardly new. The Pope was furious. Thus the Protestant church was born, very plain, with no jewels because they were against money because they believed that it’s what’s inside that matters. God loves the inner being. The Catholics had been selling indulgences so you could buy your way into Heaven, and the Church spent the money on heavenly decor. It’s rather like the Multis wanting everything privatised, including the Police at one time. Why shouldn’t you get a better service if you can pay for it?

But in another way, Luther led to the Poor Little Rich Gays and also was one in being perfectly impossible and going on and on with his ideas until the whole of Europe agreed. Also what he actually thought: it was a beginning but he wanted hierarchies broken down and what mattered to him was the individual conscience. At Glyndebourne at Saturday I shall be wearing a red velvet jackette and plastic Prada jodphurs.

Thank you, Luther, for making this outfit possible – although you were yourself uninterested in frockage. Or decor. But I’m sure you would have understood.

Luther: Not Interested in Decor but This Portrait is by Cranach who Happened to be Stationed Next Door. So Luther Had His Portrait Done which is Very Poor Little Rich Gay

Mrs Luther: Also by Cranach. A Bit Grim But It was a Big Step Forward that She was There at All Because Luther Was Not Supposed to be Married

Luther’s Panelling in His Drawing Room

Luther’s Beer Mug. When He Had it It was Plain Wood. Silver Added Later to Honour Mug as Luther Item. So It Worked Round Again to Saint’s Relics Type of Thing, Which Luther was Against.

Wittemberg Main Drag: Plain

Actual Door Where Luther Pinned his Notes: Val Said, ‘Let’s Nail a Condemnation of the Pussies’ to the Door When We Gain’. Unfort. Val Never Gained Owing to Sauce. The Pussies were Old Friends with Whom We Fell Out – Or I did