Monday 28th April 2014

         Thursday shudders nearer. The Photo Multi is to gain 50 years and embraces 200 at Claridges for Substantial Canapés. All of Poor Little Rich Gay London is gripped and ready for the ascent. Robin Smallmeal, Head of Landfill in this country or whatever, is to be present. He is my arch enemy Number One. I intend to be light but devastating. Genevieve Suzy, of the Magazine World, texted at 2 in the morning, wracked by outfit worry.  She has met and loved the Multis about three times. Anyway, she  has settled on eau de nil. Others long in feud with the Photo have healed their wounds and are to attend.

         Val insists, since the Photo’s Birthday is May Day, that the Claridges gathering is to be a Red Flag rally – which is odd because, as we know, the Multis are ardent supporters of Mrs Thatcher and beyond. No vicious exclusion either but the opposite, with even those only met once generously embraced.

         But now Val is worried. Recently he acquired an iPad. He has taken to emailing. On Saturday he emailed the Multis accusing them of being Champagne Socialists. You can imagine how that went down. The Photo Multi’s spelling and grammar (who cares about these things, I ask you – especially if you’re a Multi) flew dehors la fenetre. Val then stokes the flames: are you a tiny bit dyslexic? he goes. The Photo, very properly, did not grace with a reply. It’s a shame because Val loves the Multis very dearly and wishes to reach across the political divide.