Wednesday 7th October 2009 

My beautiful thoughts of Massivebury and Smallmeal cause my gorgeous mind to leap back to the agonising, unresolved issues arising from my gay dinner party of last week – namely staff (or lack of) and table settings.

 But first I must tell you about my weekend visit to my godson who is 20, likes the Internet, sailing and gliding. He is of nautical appearance, with beard. An outing to Space NK Apothecary in Bath (if you’re in foreign or US, it’s a high-end moisturiser shop) to look at bronzers seems appropriate. Thrilling news: Institut Esthederm have brought out a new even darker bronzing gel. £28. Also, the Multis, last Friday, went to the Wolseley for the third time in as many weeks, where they saw Paul Smith, Marc Almond, Dale Winton and David Walliams. They encountered Marc Almond again the following morning at breakfast in a place called Roast. On Sunday they were at La Pont. Their kitchen at home is soon to be granted show status (very high indeed, if you don’t know. It means ‘never used’) and all the wildly expensive appliances are to be wrapped in plastic as if just delivered.

 Now, back to staff etc. At Massivebury there were often staff for the larger dinners or lunches at weekends. Then sometimes there weren’t. When there were, Smallmeal might be heard whispering to Limpney between the courses, ‘That was a pile of crap.’ This is the torment. Will staff do it properly? You’ll be interested to know that the Massivebury retainers were not in uniform and foreign, they were ladies from the village, just engaged for huge numbers of hours at a higher rate. On Sunday mornings, with Smallmeal not yet down and Limpney attending to the cats, I often had breakfast alone in the very grand kitchen, chattering away with the person who’d come to do the washing up.  So really I’d gone all the way to Swindon for the full luxury country house weekend experience only to spend a lot of time with a modest cleaning lady of mildly racist views. Looking back, I can see the warning signs: the hard-faced determination of Limpney re: the cats, the prolonged absence of Smallmeal. But was he ever there when present? That nice washing-up lady was my friend in that house if anyone was.

 And finally, table-settings. I’m running late for the Multis so it’ll have to be quick. My own style is wrecked stately home but I do starch the napkins myself. For my larger dinners I lack space. Last week Robert Nevil and Arjun Bose (being the smallest) had to sit wedged at the corners of the table which is anyway constructed of two tables jammed together and covered with a motley of cloths. Possibly they enjoyed this outrageous informality. Others had to poke their knees under Granny’s nursery table with the spiked legs. It could have been an adventure. I lack matching sets and lavish qualities of cutlery and glass. My place settings have a camping holiday feel (Are tables laid on camping holidays? I’ve never been on one). At Massivebury there was a £30,000 antique dining table, allowing at least six foot between guests.

 I suppose I’m rather bored with the whole white linen, silver and glass look. It’s time for something new. But what?