Friday 8th February 2013

I’m here on official business. So much to tell. Not a bill in sight. The main thing is the PR lady – absolutely outstanding. 50-odd, heightened glamour. Limo-ing in from the airport,  her introduction to herself:  ‘I sold all my big clothes on E-bay and bought more smaller ones.’ I assumed she meant big labels but no. Undertook massive diet, ate only sachets of powdered food from a diet company of five months, then was halved in size, partly the body began to eat itself. She suffered hair loss, now has an odd two-inch halo of new hair along with the full length blonde tresses. New boyfriend since July. Likes him. Didn’t like any of her previous boyfriends. Turkish husband off scene for many years. New boyfriend Puerto Rican, living in Germany. Wouldn’t be able to manage hooks and eyes. Her knickers, you see. A friend gave her bra and pants from Agent Provocateur but they didn’t fit. Exchanged them for frou-frou basque (from the sound of it) and knickers with 100 hooks and eyes to be opened to reveal the main drama in a moment of passion.

But all the ladies on the trip (here to show Vienna to the world in new and exciting ways) full of mirth. All of their men quite clueless as to hooks and eyes. Would have no idea what to do.

This was just the start. Come back for more.

Now I must prepare for the Coffee-House Owners Ball and Horse-drawn carriage ride thence.