Huge Names at Ayelet’s Garden Centre «

Huge Names at Ayelet’s Garden Centre

Tuesday 27th November 2012

Joshua Baring, the world’s youngest Poor Little Rich Gay, said, ‘You must come to Ayelet’s Garden Centre on the North Orbital Road in Hertfordshire for a charity event.’

So I went. Teddies were being auctioned, Designer Teddies, designed by V. Beckham, Balenciaga, Dior, Louis Vuitton,Gucci, Dolce e Gabbana and the rest.

First of all the viewing of the teddies. Canapés and champagne as usual. Graphing of selected Greatnesses with hair and heels as per. We run into an old friend of Joshua’s from Ox or Bridge (or both). Just a hint of another world. ‘I’m here with clients,’ he says. He’s looking (very, with skin and hair), special, different (but how? Can’t get the finger on it) and wearing pointy silver shoes. Is that it? Is that the essence?

We’re awaiting the Beckhams. The actual Beckhams. There’s intense papping. Louise Rednap is bagged. V.disappointing trousers. No sign of Jamie Rednap. Why is menswear so side-lined? Why, oh Why? Jamie has worn so many clothes over the years. His suit is just that little bit more than a suit; it’s never been seen before, it’s rare, a detail arrests, the fabric is unique.

Other designers arrive, not known to me, but Joshua completely on top. Scarves and specs feature. I can’t say I’m bowled over by their frockage but at least they’re men.

We go onto the Geranium House for the Auction: Joshua Baring briefs and briefs as teddies are modelled by celebrities: ‘That’s Saffy Soapy: she had a bit part in ‘Wiggins’…. now Jaffy Potty, she was at Hogwarts… this is Samcain Ghaylghe, huge actress… Tilly Tabby, Bond girl, Ag Gran, classical actress, massive as Medea.’

Finally, finally, Marc Jacobs, bearing own teddy. We actually saw Marc Jacobs. He was modelling his own teddy, in an outdoor coat. You longed to say: ‘Do take your coat off and make yourself at home.’ But it was really him. He was going, going, gone for £25,000. His teddy, that is.

And then, and then…. you won’t believe it. But yes, in the Geranium House at Ayelets’ Garden Centre, presenting for auction, yes, yes, yes… Dame Abbland Crouch, une femme footballeuse, actually in knickers, for a better price, knickers wedged to advantage the lady bum. Terror in some small sections of the audience but others, with the cheque books, on the rise, hot bonking lads in shirts, with thousands, pricey shoes and watches, often out no doubt, favouring ladies with their attentions.

So it went on. The finale was Peter Crouch himself. He plays for England. Football that is. V. tall with specially lengthened jacket. So disappointing. He should have been championing the jackette. He would be perfect for a tiny.

The Becks never showed but no matter. Crouch was bronzed. An indescribable glamour that could never be pinned, never caught, never bottled, prevailed.