Wednesday 21^st September 2011

In Tuscany I said to Laura Malcolm I need more words for alcoholic drink. She said, ‘What about “sauce”?’ Then, Sandi Toksvig, presiding over Antiques Master, accused an old doll of having overdone ‘the cordial’.

It had a flushed appearance, you see.

So poor old Val toppled in a fit of enthusiasm for cordial and broke his hip. He is now pinned and back in the flat with a zimmer, unable to apply weight for five weeks. For his invalid spell he is wearing self-made pyjamas in a Zimbabwean craft fabric. Oh yes! Val has travelled.

He commands from a chair; superb household management, absolute control of every detail. ‘There’s an article about Kate’s hair!’ he shrieked, picking up the Guardian. He read out the entire recipe (it’s the Duchess of Cambridge, if you’re a bit backward). ‘Apply serum for gleam and movement as well as volumising root booster.’ ‘It’s all in the Guardian,’ Val remarked, ‘it must be true.’

The total cost of ‘The Kate’ is £137.94 apparently, not including cost of actual hair if you haven’t got it on head already. But, as Val rightly pointed out, it’s an investment.

The Guardian went on with a fearless expose of the hair arrangements for the Royal Wedding day. Hairdressers worked  an 18-hour shift. We couldn’t quite picture it. ‘Just imagine if you were first under the drier,’ said Val. ‘Stuck there for 18 hours having fatuous banter with Mr Snippy or his equivalent.’

Later Val said, ‘Let’s move to Great Missenden!’ I had to remind him that  Marcia Forkbender hailed from there. Then we watched an entire TV programme about Hilary Mantel who was once graphed in person by the Photo Multi. ‘I don’t think she needs the Kate,’ Val said. Finally Val observed that it would be easy to clad a boring Sixties estate house in the manner of Strawberry Hill.

He wanted a third pillow fetching down from a high cupboard. To reach it I had to pitch out several bales of fabric onto the floor below. As I was leaving, he said, ‘You couldn’t, could you? Put them back, I mean.’ I recalled Whatever Happened to Baby Jane? ‘Yes,’ Val said, ‘you could go all round the flat pulling my things out of drawers and then leave me here quite helpless.’

But I didn’t.

Val in Important Self-Made Pyjamas in Craft Fabric from Zim