Wednesday 16^th March 2011

It occurs to me after my experience of addressing Ashringford Cathedral on Friday that Poor Little Rich Gays are often called upon to give talks. Ordinary members of the public reel in horror at nearly everything else to do with us, but they love our talks – the hypocrites.

Then I recalled that Royston Buster, one of our great Committee/Chairperson/Wheeler-dealer Poor Little Rich Gays, gave a talk not a month ago to the Garden History Society about the less well-known parks and forests of London over which he wields huge influence. The audience was mostly grey woollies with knapsacks and hiking boots (well, not quite).

So here’s how to give a talk the Poor Little Rich Gay Way:

• Veer alarmingly between high brainy style and baby talk, with, if possible non-grammar: ‘Investment in the regeneration of one forgotten London park by the Heritage Lottery Fund has a sussuration throughout all the neglected green spaces of the capital, whether we donate or not.’ Then: ‘They’ve done dendrology on that tree trunk….’ ‘They put deer in front of this hunting lodge so Queen Elizabeth could ping at them with her bow and arrow.’ This use of ‘they’ is delightful and will make you sound normal to the audience. Also refer often to ‘my favourite…’ as it ‘my favourite herbaceous border’ ‘my favourite garden ornament …’
• Bring in Her Present Majesty at unlikely moments: ‘From the top of Richmond Hill you can see if she’s in residence at Windsor with her flag flying.’
• Have a bizarre drink with you, in this case a self-made sloe wine
• Name-dropping, of course.  Dan …(slight pause).. Pearson, Molly…Salisbury…Lucinda…Lambton
• Hint at wild, illegitimate life beyond the ken of the audience: drunken cycling along the canal tow path. Gardens have same effect as sex (they’ve done research); if you’ve done it once, you want to do it again…
• Show pictures of self opening an environmental car park: solemn Mayor standing by with gold chain, self bent double and spinning out of orbit, helpless with laughter. Don’t explain but begin shrieking in the same manner.
• How to end talk about public green spaces of London: ‘This is a picture of a lupin in my own garden. I think it’s the best really.’ Roar with laughter and stagger about as great gale of applause engulfs…