Tuesday 21^st September 2010

On Saturday the Gay Mother and I limo-ed one hundred and twenty miles each way to a wedding.  £350 for the day. My dream, as you know, is car and driver. I was living the dream, one which many other Poor Little Rich Gays crave. It was an Audi A8 long-wheel base, pearl leather interior, bottled water on offer, several engines, normally the conveyance of High Court Judges and Government Ministers. I wonder if leading Poor Little Rich Gay and mysterious fixer in Gov. circs, Lord Arrowby, has ever been installed.

Where is Lord Arrowby? Not seen nor heard of for months.

But this is the Poor Little Rich Gay way – they’re busy, creating, getting on, running a full diary, running the country.

The Gay Mother, 86, wore a brooch on her red jacket of boiled wool. Underneath her shirt was purple. She resembled a fuchsia.

If you ever get old, wear bright colours. Keep going.

The brooch was my idea. She appears to have put away all her jewellery. But I insisted and it was a big hit at the wedding. People have never seen the like. It’s a miniature of a sultry Indian lady in a frame of spikes with tiny rubies or pearls at the end of each.

The limo purred along. Of course, the driver has to obey the speed limits and there was a traffic jam. We were forced onto obscure, slow roads. I had little sense of onlookers. What were we going to do about lunch and toilets before the wedding at 2? We stopped at a Co-op service station. No toilets but a filthy sandwich. The Gay Mother was worried about crumbs on the limo floor. The driver suggested toilets in a Kwik-fit. Would the Gay Mother be quick enough? It was getting rather fraught. In fact I had hysterics. We gained the wedding with only ten minutes to spare. Afterwards, purring up to the reception, the limo was at walking pace. I thought, Is the driver getting revenge for my hysterics? We said, ‘We’ll leave at six’ but six came and still no speeches. I rush out to grovel to the driver. An hour later we rather dash from the wedding, after the speeches, so worried about keeping the driver waiting.

We do at least thunder back home at 90 miles an hour.

But car and driver is going to take some practice, I can see.