Saturday 25^th July 2009

The others are very relaxed. Esme Manning, the actress, spent the whole of yesterday in her new lemon pyjamas with scalloped edge from Tescos. Laura has some amazing bulbous shoes nearly 25 years old kept exclusively for Norman use.

Laura Malcolm's Norman footwear

I come down in my new Alexander McQueen jeans (reduced) and a pink Paul Smith summer shirt from last year.

My exercise regime is rigorous owing to the fabulous perpetual-Christmas-Day level of eating. It was easy to keep thin when young with no money for cheese or cream or chocs. I’ve added in side-planks (I think that’s what they’re called). Absolute hell. Can only manage 45 seconds on each side before collapsing in agony. I’ve also got to be taut and appealing for my Tuscan villa with pool holiday in August as well as for other purposes.

I don’t think I’ve mentioned before that the Riverside Multis have taken a six-bedroom villa for the last two weeks of August thereby sparking off a villa war with horrid Robin Smallmeal and Simon Limpney, who are going somewhere extraordinary like Rimini. Let’s hope we hear more.

 As it happens Laura Malcolm and Matt Driver are coming to the Multi place for 4 nights, for their first experience of a rich gay holiday.

Today to Falaise. I’m hoping there’ll be an opportunity to buy a bog brush. We’ve been almost two days without one. There’s a great butch castle, something to do with William the Conqueror , which Matt Driver is very keen on. We visit it. Matt makes bow and arrow noises on the ramparts.  Through head-sets comes a mad commentary – something about what the medieval people would have been doing in each room. Esme Manning, now out of her lemon pyjamas, and I get rather silly. Esme mimes the tailor cutting his cloth (absurd busy scissors), I help her with the king and queen being courtly, the young couple prancing and so on. We adopt that half-baked expression you see in medieval paintings. Other French visitors not impressed.

Later I try to find the antique brocante in Falaise where I went with poor Val in the 80s. He bought the prie dieu and curly swirly crucifix mounted on red velvet which he dutch-gilded himself at home. They are still in his flat, rather dusty.  But back then, his poor rich gay style was just beginning. We loved France. It meant only one thing: cheap antiques.

On the way back we stop at Leclerc. I rush in to hunt down a bog brush. It is the only thing I buy and I’m left standing, on the wrong side of the checkout, in my Prada mac (the second best one. I have a new one waiting in my wardrobe in London), holding the bog brush, while Laura, Esme and Charis complete the family shopping.

Am much stared at.

Back at the Fastness, things are getting out of hand. The children have got hold of a novel by Henry Miller. Hopkin can’t be prevented from reading bits out. It is pornography. Charis and Esme snatch the book away and try to hide it. As they prepare dinner, the women recite their favourite bits from Gone with the Wind (‘I swear to God I’ll never go hungry again.’) and gossip about incontinence pads.

Intermittently, Matt Driver says, ‘It’s all too gay’ and goes off to do some gardening. He comes back saying he’s found a fairy ring. Throughout the evening he carries out regular inspections of this fairy ring.

Narcissistically I wonder if somehow it’s all my fault. Maybe I’ve driven them to it. Or perhaps they’re like this anyway.

Laura, Charis and Esme: 'too gay'