Monday 23rd March 2026

Laura Malcolm had the idea of stopping off at Leeds Castle on the way to Unwin and Frankie Doreen’s incredible renovation.

I’d never been to Leeds Castle before. We had an all-in meal, two-courses, and house tour deal for £37 each.

Matt Driver was to be visiting his mother in Cambridge and coming on later.

I was desperate for toilet on arrival. It was miles and miles of asphalt footpath through landscape to find it. Laura messaged to say she was delayed for 30 minutes. She’d explain on arrival. I feared the worst. You never know these days. My only comfort was that she was actually coming. Total cancellation would have been more alarming.

There are interlocking lakes. It’s incredibly sweeping and rolling. Any destination can be seen in the far distance. The castle itself is fully moated and medieval as well as Tudorbethan. Somehow I couldn’t imagine them being there – Henry V111 and endless Medieval queens. The restaurant/cafe block is 1920s and must have been the garages.

At last Laura Malcolm herself hove into view. It was fully ten minutes before she was within speaking distance. Then it will came pouring out. She’d been arrested. £100 fine. For riding her bicycle on the pavement for a few seconds. ‘But, Officer, I’m trying to source green peppercorns in brine. You don’t understand.’ She’d already been to 4 shops in the Kensington/Fulham area. The crisis was intense. Frankie-Doreen had messaged: she was doing an 80s recipe. Green peppercorns in brine must have. Laura scoured a 20 square mile area of prime London. Not a green peppercorn in brine to be had. Agony.

She’d had to set out without them. At least, on arrival at the Castle door the welcoming guide said, ‘Are you friends of the Curator?’ What did this mean? Could only be one thing: you look like Superior Gays with Special Access, Priority Boarding, VIPs this way. I said, ‘Usually we are Friends of the Curator but not on this occasion.’

We’d actually paid. With our own money.

We toured the castle. Lady Olive Baillie had had it in the 20s. Odd yoking of American millionaire luxe and fortified medieval. Chips Channon was a frequent guest. The Rococo dining room at Leeds and Chips’ Amalienburg dining room at Belgrave Square were done by the same decorator. Theatrical.

Now it’s more of a venue and an education centre. I’m sure it could be made lovely for a wedding or a G7 summit.

During our all-in two course lunch meal, Laura and I poured over the NHS app and compared our cholesterol results. The sparse other lunchers were probably doing the same. Luncheon was brought to a triumphant climax when Laura managed to order green peppercorns in brine on Amazon, despite weak signal.

‘Order confirmed.’ We swept forth into the afternoon.

On arrival at Unwin and Frankie-Doreen’s renovation we shrieked and toured. No corner had not been renovated. And all in six months. Complete wonderment.

It turned out that Frankie-Doreen had also had the brain wave of ordering green peppercorns in brine from Amazon.

The next morning the landscaped park was revealed. We went out to Margate. Bridget Riley: couldn’t look at them. Made me feel queer. On to Broadstairs, which turned out to be charming and done up. Small plate lunch there of outstanding quality.

On return to the renovation, an Amazon delivery had occurred: a huge vat of green peppercorns in brine. I wondered if the two orders had been put together. But unlikely. Frankie-Doreen will be doing Cote de Boeuf au Sauce green peppercorns in brine until kingdom come.