Tuesday 16th December 2025

It was a most discouraging arrival. On the previous visit I’d brought Val a nest of tables, or une ne des tables (except it’s not ‘ne’: read on to find out).

They were a job lot in an auction at Nottingham. £40 with premium. The main thing was to get a card table for Fergus Strachan who had been required to host Bridge by the Photo Multi. The oak trolley I thought perfect for Normandy, for garden service in the summer. And the nest… maybe it was worth restoring. It had a slight repro tinge but that might wear off with time. There was a lovely veneer.

It was 3 hours each way in the car to fetch the items. Plus agony of whether have committed traffic offences and might get banned.

The trolley – I had to get a Zipcar to take it over to Laura Malcolm’s and Matt Driver’s in Fulham. Terrible worry about a speed camera on the Embankment.

Laura professed thrilled with the trolley. Sudden flash one morning – surely the nest ideal for Val. He doesn’t have any dainty tables of any kind in his drawing room. Everything’s on the floor.

Well, Val took one look at the nest. ‘Can I re-gift?’ he said. ‘Maybe Dolly will like them.’ That’s one of his neighbours.

‘But Val..’ I cried, ‘you’ve no table by your sofa… you could be so dainty.’

It was left that I would put the nest under the piano. I hoped at least it would be forgotten about.

So imagine my horror as my machine drew into Val’s forecourt of his Hastings bungalow for a second visit last week – accompanied by Anthony Mottram of Prague.

There was the nest dumped outside the front door. It had even come on to rain.

‘Val,’ I said, ‘you… ‘ I used a bad word and more. ‘Val, you’re an absolute…. ‘

‘Dorabella visited on Saturday,’ Val said. ‘She thought they were horrible too.’ Dorabella is one of Val’s mannish woman friends, a grand blue-stocking doctor. ‘Not even Dolly wanted them.’

Later on I did a Christmas card for Val: ‘Bunnies can and will have un ne des tables,’ I put in it. By the time Val opened the card he was in bed (but we were still there). ‘The French for nest is N.. I ..D,’ Val announced, having enough strength to correct.

I’m not giving up. I’m going to get Val a really fine Regency nid des tables of the most superb quality.

In even worse news, it now turns out that Matt Driver has taken against the oak trolley. Not just mildly. Really withering… it’ll never get across the grass, you can’t get a trolley over steps… He applied an extended analysis lasting 40 minutes, such as, once, he gave to the preposed global campaign to launch the latest Persil washing liquid.

The only happy thing is that Val’s rejected nest has found a happy home in Royston King’s drawing room – which is very grand and has received world figures.