Wednesday 7^th April 2010

Val, leading Poor Little Rich Gay and valiant embracer of the bottle, went to Glasgow for Easter, to stay in Greek Thomson’s house. Miracle that he went anywhere at all and big glimmer of hope. Some weeks ago, he was in decline again. The flight back was peanut-free. The on-board announcement said, ‘If you are carrying peanuts, please refrain from eating them.’ I said, ‘What about your Human Rights, Val?’ He said: ‘I know. I’m founding The Peanut Officionados Out Front or POOF’. The only trouble is it’s aficionados.

Never mind. But normally just the sort of thing Val knows. If you’re ever troubled for the difference between raw and boiled linseed oil, he’s the one to ask.

So, with what other freedoms can we expect flights to be labelled? I’d welcome ‘Sweet corn-free’. Can’t bear it. But ‘Grilled Aubergine with pomegranate molasses-free’ would be awful.

I suppose nut-allergy’s at the bottom of it. But what’s the point if you fail to mention all the other nuts? Maybe Joshua Baring was on board, the young man with ultra-modern nut aversion, who dined in my lovely home last week and who, incidentally, hasn’t been heard of since.

In Scotland, Val visited the Paisley Shawl Museum and gained an introduction to the Keeper of the Shawls. He was ravished by the shawls. Fine work, jacquard looms – absolutely his thing. Val is a maker, you know. Can upholster, cut on the bias, do drawn-thread work, make handbags. He also roasted a shoulder of pork, or assisted his host. The meat had been vacuum-packed and they almost had to take a hair-drier to the skin to get it dry enough for crackling. Val asked for a scalpel but they hadn’t got one. Essential, apparently, for scoring the rind which should be done every 3/16 to 1/8 of an inch.

Oh, Val’s plum tart in its day, rectangular, and every piece of plum identical in size and laid out exquisitely – same degree of overlap, same distance apart.

On return to London, Val wonders about becoming a sea-side landlady – except that he hasn’t got his greeting outfit clear. Maybe navy polka-dot frock with lacy collar and cuffs, detachable for ease of laundering. He aims to be a cross between Sarah Gamp and Muriel Belcher.